I just need to get it out there... ya know?

Ya, so today there was a statement from the US State Department which you can read here. Basically it says, if you have not be submitted to court in Ethiopia (which we HAVE NOT) then you can expect significant delays. WHAT IN THE WORLD DOES SIGNIFICANT MEAN???!!! So I looked around and some more mathematically minded bloggers that I follow, ones who are also adopting. Anyway, here is what it comes down too... since we have not been submitted to court, my gosh we don't even have a referral yet!!, we will likely wait what looks to be like more than 2 years.

I gotta keep it real here.... I am pretty much fighting with all my might to not fall into a never ending pit of depression. Every time I walk into my room, I am faced with a never ending pile of little girls clothes that I have picked out for Grace, or that my amazing friends have given as gifts just because they thought of her. Or the fabric that is sitting here that I poured hours into finding for her bedding in her room. I need it to be gone... I need it to be taken and stored somewhere. I can not look at it right now. I want to break into tears of agony every time I see it all, but I don't. I hold it in and continue to have a brave face. I am either a total baby, or I don't know anyone else who is handling this news like me.

I want to be encouraged by the people who say God's timing is perfect... but right now, it doesn't hit.

I loved tonight, my sweetest friend E was over for our weekly Tuesday dinners and I know I can be honest, tell her how it is, tell her how I am feeling like I am living in a black hole with no one here but me and my daughters clothes. The daughter I don't know, haven't met and have prayed for everyday since October 2009, the daughter I can't hold or even look at. E just loves on me, doesn't push or try to fix, just loves and lets me be. I needed that tonight.

So here is me, trying my hardest to hold it together for my sweet boys who only know, as Noah puts it, "Grace in E.T.OPIA, me miss her"....
So I am here right now... but my heart feels a million miles away.....