Trying to Live in the NOW

I am guilty of many things... but currently I am way guilty of wishing away the current and trying with all my might to make the future... the future with our Baby Girl in it... here now! I know I can't, but I have been really trying. So I am guilty of not being here in the now... missing moments with the boys and not sharing in how much I adore each of them.

Today I am making a promise to my blogger buddies (hold me accountable people!!) and to my boys:

Mommy promises to lighten up
To enjoy the noise and craziness of our life
To play more
To laugh more
To worry less
To be anxious less
To bring my mind back to here and now and less a half world away and in the future some time.

So here are some of the now.... more to come I promise! 

 Noah being his silly self...

 Noah and Nana playing (I said I would not put it on Facebook... )

 Noah and Mommy watching a 3D movie on date night with the boys

 Carter with his new Backpack from Auntie Krissyjo

 Jake getting his award at school... he his second award of the year for Academic Excellence

 Jake at his very first soccer practice... he was such a little stud!

 My men finding a treasure for their Geocaching adventures

 Me and my little Babe... We took this at his girlfriends pageant, which she won Miss Barstow

 Carter showing me how he can do "cool fingers"

 Man time in the back yard... I love spring!

Here is really the only place that Noah will eat when we are at Grandma and Grandpa's.... with his Grandpa

For the JOY he endured the Cross!

Today I was reading the following passage and wanted to share

Hebrews 12:2
.....fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

For the JOY set before him... he endured the CROSS! Is anyone with me?!! People we are in a place of endurance... not the kind of being beaten and shamed but a place of endurance. And we WILL endure for the JOY set before us!!

Praise Jesus for this example and may this be the prayer of our hearts and our mind sets.... to endure for the JOY to come!

The Fatherless....They find their rest at the sound of your GREAT NAME!!

I have been playing Your Great Name by Natalie Grant over and over and over....

How can these words not calm the heart of a Momma who can't seem to see the end of the journey to bring home a daughter that I already love...

All the weak; find their strength; at the sound of your great name Hungry souls; receive grace; at the sound of your great name The fatherless; they find their rest; at the sound of your great name Sick are healed; and the dead are raised; at the sound of your great name 

There is only one line in this song that speaks of the Fatherless... but that had kinda triggered a quest to find what the Bible says about the Fatherless and caring for them. So far this is what I have found... over 60... YES 60 times in the Bible our Great God calls us to care for the Fatherless!!

Ricky and I have been on this journey of faith over the past two years... Why do we believe what we do? What does the Bible say about the Church? Are we really living like God has called us to, or are we comfortable with saying things like; "I love my Jesus and come to church with me?" or should we really be saying things like "I LOVE my Jesus and God I want to be used to bring Glory to your Name no matter what the cost!!"

You know when you are little, like around 9 or 10 and you seem to be growing so fast that you are turning into this awkward weird looking half adult? When you wake up in the middle of the night screaming from growing pains in your legs or back?? In my true blogger fashion I want to keep it real... so I am not going to say that this has been a peaceful journey of faith. There have been those nights where there was crying out in pain... there have been plenty of moments where we/I felt like an awkward preteen not really sure where I belonged or fit in anymore. But slowly I/we are coming out on the other end... very very slowly.

In my journey to understand what I believe I had to come up with a standard, a constant. What is the God that I believe in passionate about? And what does He ask of me? When I started I wasn't sure how I was going to figure out what God was Passionate about... then the more I read my Bible the more I understood that He talks about it A LOT! The things that our amazing God is passionate about and calls His people to be passionate about are things that He speaks into the scripture over and over.
There were many, and I am thankful to have been able to understand a little more where my own passions need to be focused. I was also thankful for the a better  understanding of the longing of my own heart for many years.    

This is getting to be a longer post than I planned, but I am going to continue to post over the next few weeks about how my sweet God had a plan for my life before I even was old enough to understand what an adult life would look like and how now as an adult the pains of getting where I am suppose to be have began to shape not only my own life, but how our family looks and what my children will hopefully remember about me.

 

Semi-Private

So for now  I have made my blog not GOOGLE SEARCHABLE and NOT Published on the Blogger pages. If we have to do more later, then it will become by invite only. I have started a list of people who wanted to be added, and I will keep doing that so if you are not a follower and would still like to be able to read my ranting and crazy thoughts.... send me your email address......

Thanks all!

Making things private...

Hey all!! At the suggestion of my Social Worker, tomorrow I will be making my BLOG private. If you are interested in reading either follow me or leave me a comment with your info and I can add you. Thanks for your understanding...!!

Also, if you are a fellow blogger adopting from ET, it is suggested that you also make your blog private. Message me if you need more info... !!

I just need to get it out there... ya know?

Ya, so today there was a statement from the US State Department which you can read here. Basically it says, if you have not be submitted to court in Ethiopia (which we HAVE NOT) then you can expect significant delays. WHAT IN THE WORLD DOES SIGNIFICANT MEAN???!!! So I looked around and some more mathematically minded bloggers that I follow, ones who are also adopting. Anyway, here is what it comes down too... since we have not been submitted to court, my gosh we don't even have a referral yet!!, we will likely wait what looks to be like more than 2 years.

I gotta keep it real here.... I am pretty much fighting with all my might to not fall into a never ending pit of depression. Every time I walk into my room, I am faced with a never ending pile of little girls clothes that I have picked out for Grace, or that my amazing friends have given as gifts just because they thought of her. Or the fabric that is sitting here that I poured hours into finding for her bedding in her room. I need it to be gone... I need it to be taken and stored somewhere. I can not look at it right now. I want to break into tears of agony every time I see it all, but I don't. I hold it in and continue to have a brave face. I am either a total baby, or I don't know anyone else who is handling this news like me.

I want to be encouraged by the people who say God's timing is perfect... but right now, it doesn't hit.

I loved tonight, my sweetest friend E was over for our weekly Tuesday dinners and I know I can be honest, tell her how it is, tell her how I am feeling like I am living in a black hole with no one here but me and my daughters clothes. The daughter I don't know, haven't met and have prayed for everyday since October 2009, the daughter I can't hold or even look at. E just loves on me, doesn't push or try to fix, just loves and lets me be. I needed that tonight.

So here is me, trying my hardest to hold it together for my sweet boys who only know, as Noah puts it, "Grace in E.T.OPIA, me miss her"....
So I am here right now... but my heart feels a million miles away.....